WHAT’S ON T.V.

WHAT’S ON T.V.  ?

I just got a letter from my cable television provider. The bad news is that they have decided to raise the price of monthly service by $20. The good news (at least as far as they are concerned) is that they are “giving” me, 20 more “free” channels. The letter goes on by telling me what a valuable customer I am and how happy I should be that they always look out for my best interest.

I think I like to get something for free as much as the next guy, but I can’t help but remember that I am already paying them the equivalent of a luxury car payment each month already. (Maybe this is too much of a good thing). Not only that, they last time I checked I’m already getting over 1,400 channels right now. Considering that I only watch about 6 channels regularly, it seems I’ve already got enough entertainment and perhaps I just like to hold onto that extra 20 bucks each month for something silly like food or electric. In fact by my math, I have an excess of about 1,396 channels that I don’t want or need right now.(most of which I have never even click on)

I really like to be fair and hate to make a hasty decision so I decided to at least see what I’ve been missing on all these other “premium channels”. With an open mind I sat on the couch with the T.V. remote in one hand and a legal pad in the other. I was determined to journal my findings so that I could prove to myself that my cable subscription was in fact worth the princely fortune I had been spending each month.

I was actually anxious to find all the riveting and entertaining programming I had been missing all these years.  I knew it was going to be a grueling marathon session so I waited until a Friday night, bought some microwave popcorn, and a set of fresh new batteries for my television remote.

Well I started down on channel two and began to flip. Slowly I went thru the first dozen or so “familiar” channels. I’m sure I had passed by some of these in the past while hurriedly flipping to my 6 favorite channels. It didn’t take long before I figured out that it was going to be difficult to switch channels, eat buttered popcorn, and take fastidious notes, all at the same time. (As was clearly evidenced by my butter soaked legal pad and channel changer that was already gumming up).

Although far from a scientific study I could tell early on that there were a great many channels that were of no use or interest to me. I quickly flicked past a few channels that only displayed what was available on other channels, several lose weight commercials, 2 girls gone wild commercials, at least 3 channels had Billy Mase hawking some kind of useless gimmick, and the sham-Wow Guy, with that annoying voice. What is worse, is that many of the channels seem to be broadcast in an unknown tongue.

A few more flips of the thumb reveal even more infomercials. Things to clean my car, my carpet, my gutters, and my clothes. If only I buy within the next 6 minutes I can get extra cookware, mops, steam cleaners, or food choppers. Don’t make the mistake of thinking these are mere 30 second commercials, these are hour long television productions designed to brainwash us into buying some useless product. What’s worse is that we are paying a monthly subscription fee to be inundated with this crap.

What started out as a fun little experiment has now turned into a time consuming chore? I flick faster and faster as I pass the 100channel mark. I know I have ventured into no man’s land as I pass channels with old movies, 24 hour sports channels, girly movies, 24 hour music channels, and then into the horrible reality shows. I have long since set down the legal pad and the buttered popcorn as I furiously pound on the channel changer. The little red light on the flipper taps out a steady flash like some urgent Morse code message. Da,da, de dat…da, da,de dat.

At this point my finger is getting blistered from the friction of the rapid button pushing, but I’m not about to give up.  I toss the channel changer into the air and catch it with the other hand and I’m back in business without missing a beat. I think I’m actually getting ahead of the t.v. tuner until I mistakenly hit the wrong button on the remote.

I’m not the most technical guy in the world, but darn if I couldn’t get that remote back doing its job again. It turns out there about as many buttons on the remote as there are channels on the T.V.  All of the buttons have weird shapes and colors, as if the average guy is supposed to know what all of them actually mean. Now in a sweat and near panic I begin randomly pushing every button I can find. The television revolts and begins changing volume levels, playing music, displaying menu screens, and changing colors. Even after I stop pressing the buttons the set continues to go thru strange sequences and flashed alien like symbols on my screen.

Finally, I regain control of the television and resume my channel surfing. I am now well into the three hundreds and it seems that every channel land on is some type of pay-for-view channel. (Silly me, I thought that was what I was doing when I signed over my paycheck to the cable company every month for my subscription). There are pay for view movies, pay for view sports, pay for view concerts, and even pay per view commercials.

I’m no quitter so I grab a bag of ice to help with the pain in my shoulder from holding up the remote, because it must be held at exactly 3.5 feet above sea level with a downward 3 to 1 pitch and aimed exactly at the small receiver in the cable box.

Now with 2  pillows helping to hold up my arm I am flying through the channels and I find myself up into the 400’s. Wow, it seems that these are not even television channels but music channels. I can listen to everything from classical to Christmas music and everything in between (I guess if I wanted that I could just turn on my subscription free radio).

Wiping the sweat from my brow I’ve managed to get up into the 500’s..Ahh the porn channels.(perhaps this whole cable thing has some merit after all)  For a moment I consider taking a short break, but I’m on a mission (although I do take time to jot down the channel number on my now butter soaked legal pad.)

My good work ethic prevails and I move on into the 600’s. As I flip thru the channels at break neck speeds, the shows flash by like two trains in the night. About halfway thru the 600’s I notice that a lot of the shows look very similar to the ones down on the low channels. I slow briefly to determine that these are really just repetitions of the earlier shows, but in Spanish, Croatian, Swahili, High definition, and with a blind person signing at the bottom of the screen (think about that one for a minute). The upper 600 channels contain dozens of  24 hour “shopping networks” that sell every useless piece of junk that you couldn’t possibly sell in a retail store to arm chair shoppers and midnight insomniacs.

Now I have also come to the realization that the channels are not sequential. They are skipping large groups of numbers as in 715..716…765…792…(kind of like how I would count back change as a kid when they made my banker at monopoly..ok..I still do)

Alright, at this point I think I have seen enough. I’ve been thru almost 800 channels and I still haven’t found anything worth watching except for the 6 channels I always watch (With maybe the exception of the porn channels). As much as I hate to give up, I laid there profusely sweating and near exhaustion. The flashing screen from the rapidly changing channels had put me in some type of hypnotic state, just short of a seizure. I didn’t see any reason to go the other umpteen hundreds of channels. (maybe next time I’ll start at the top and work my way back down to one)

The next day I called the cable company and tried to get the service reduced to just 6 channels. After a few hours of endless voicemail prompts, they ended up selling me the recorder and high definition gimmicks.  So, in the end, I decided to just pay the extra twenty bucks plus another ten, just so that I could watch the few shows I like.

Please feel free to contact me at:  pooritalianboy@gmial.com

P.I.B.

PUBLISING-NEW TRENDS

PUBLISHING- NEW TRENDS

In any industry there is a strong tendency to stick with “what has worked in the past”.  Publishing is no exception to this rule. There is a great deal of cost, risk, and effort in bringing a new book, record, or video to market. Publishers and literary agents are often difficult to contact and get a commitment from.

There is no question that it’s a sure bet to bring out another Steven King novel or another Harry Potter book. The problem is that Steven King won’t live forever and the industry is bypassing some of the best new talent available by sticking with the tried and true.

The other issue I see is that by playing it safe, many industry insiders are missing out on what I consider a hot new trend. Consumers and book buyers today have a lot of media vying for their dollars and leisure time. There are movies, videos, pay for view, magazines, and not to mention the internet and blogging.

Most consumers lead busy lives and find it hard to devote hours of time to reading a good book. My feeling is that stories, articles, and information that can be consumed in short time frames representing the new emerging market. Creative writing such as blogs and short stories fit this need very well.

There are certainly no shortages of readers or writers in this genre as evidenced by the over 130 million blogs on the internet. Granted, a great many of these blogs are “one time wonders”, but there are also some very substantial bodies of work out there that are largely overlooked.

My new web site:  www.newauthorsandartists.com is designed to gain exposure for these new writers and to help them market their work to a rapidly growing market. The on line store is also designed to market music, and videos. You can list and sell your work immediately with very little cost or risk. Join the creative revolution.

Contact us directly at:   admin@newauthorsandartists.com

FOR THE LOVE OF IT

FOR THE LOVE OF IT

I’ve heard a lot of people say that creative people are born with a talent, and that may be true. It’s been my experience that creative people do what they do because they have a passion for it. They actual love what they are doing.

Of course many of us are motivated by money or fame, that’s only human nature. Maybe I’m wrong on this but when I hear great music, see great art, or read great literature; I get the sense that the artist loves his work. It really doesn’t matter if you perform your work in a multi-million dollar studio or just jam with the boys in the garage.

The passion for the work is what drives the constant practice, the striving to make the work the best possible, the long hours. The love of the work is what has us creating new material after a long work week at our 9-5 job. The passion is what wakes us up in the middle of the night to jot down an idea or call a friend. Our writing or music becomes part of who we are.

I’ve found that when you love doing something it ceases to be work. Sure we all take a break from doing even the things we love, but they tend to call for us. The next thing you know we are back behind the keyboard or the microphone or the canvas, doing what we love.

I think to a large extent, we create for ourselves; it gives us an inner satisfaction. Beyond that, I believe that we all seek ratification or approval from others to validate our work. It’s comforting to know that others approve and find our work equally as enjoyable.

At some point I think most of us would like to receive some monetary gain from our labors. When someone else is willing to pay for our ideas and creativity it confirms our sense of worth. Unfortunately most talented authors and musicians never get to monetize their work. There are many obstacles and roadblocks that can prevent even the most talented individual from gaining notoriety, fame, and wealth from his or her creative efforts.

I have developed a web site that helps market the work of new authors and artists. You now have an opportunity to have your work exposed to a large audience and also have a low risk way to sell your material. You maintain owner ship of your work, you set the sale price, and you keep the majority of the profits. Submit your writing, music, or videos today.

Visit my web site right now at www.newauthorsandartists.com You can list your work and get started today for a minimal investment. Once your work is on the web, you never know who might see it.

Address any questions to:  admin@newauthorsandartists.com

WRITER’S INTERVIEW

WRITER’S INTERVIEW

Dear Potential Employer:

I would like the opportunity to introduce myself and my work. I have been writing seriously for 3 years now, and would like to pursue a career as an author. I realize that you get inundated with requests from many potential new writers. I’m sure you receive hundreds of manuscripts, and unsolicited submissions but I want you to know that I’m different. All of my family and friends tell me that my work is very good and that they would not hesitate to buy my first book, when I get it published.

I have taken the time to research your submission requirements and I am submitting for your review a cover letter, 3 sample chapters of my work, and the web address of my blog so that you can review my work. I understand that you cannot return any of my work without a prepaid and self addressed envelope.

My hope is that once you review my work, you will contact me to forward you my entire manuscript. I must apologize in advance because I do not have any published work to send you, but hey, everyone has to start somewhere..Right?

Dear Potential Author:

Our office is inundated with submissions to be reviewed. We regret to inform you that we will not be interested in your work at this time. It’s unfortunate that we can’t give each submission our full attention; however I’m sure you will find an advocate for your work at another agency. Thanks again for thinking of us, and keep up the good work.

Reality:

It’s a very competitive business and extremely difficult to break into. I read the other day that only about 3 out of every 10,000 manuscripts get published and only a fraction of those make any real profit.

I think you will be able to increase your odds of becoming a published author by first exposing your work to as many potential readers as possible. This is relatively easy to do with a blog or web site. However, I believe that to really differentiate your work from the other 130 million bloggers and free authors out there, it is important to show a “paid readership”. In other words, market and sell your work to willing buyers and then approach a potential publisher with those numbers and statistics. Sales statistics are tangible and meaningful. If your work can generate proven sales, you can make a much better case for a potential publisher to “invest” in you.

My new website:  www.authorsandartists.com is designed to help expose, market, and sell the work of promising new authors and artists. You simply list your work with us and determine the sale price of your work. We take care of the rest and send you a check for your commission. There is no risk and only a minimum amount of cost to get started.

Visit the web site today at:  www.newauthorsandartists.com

ROBOT

ROBOT

I guess robots have come a long way in the last couple of years. Maybe I was ahead of my time but I can remember trying to build a robot with my erector set when I was a kid. I had visions of my robot fetching my drinks and carrying out my trash. Of course my robot was only about 12 inches high and had a hard time moving in a straight line on its tiny wheels. It ultimately met its demise when it failed to negotiate the long set of stairs near my room.

Fast forward to today’s technology and robots have really evolved (that is, if a non-living thing can evolve). In any case researchers have succeeded in making today’s robots much more autonomous and useful. To me robots fit two basic classifications: machines and humanoid.

The machine types are more likely to be seen in a Ford Motor factory, welding some steel or putting a window in a car. These beasts of burden are designed to do difficult, repetitious, and dangerous work that we don’t want to subject a human to. (or the human might file a huge workman’s comp claim for). Looks and esthetics have no place in this type of robot. (of course another robot might thinks it’s cute)  It’s form is purely dictated by its proposed function.

The humanoid type robot is of course the most interesting because the designers plan for it to have a resemblance in look and function to a human being. I guess God created us in his own image and now man feels obligated to return the favor. In any case, several companies are building prototypes of human looking robots. Honda motors had been working on a human based bipedal Robot for several years now.

Surprisingly they discovered that it was a huge technological feat to enable the robot to simply walk upright and negotiate obstacles. A seemingly basic movement that we all expect our young children to master in the first few years of life is in actuality a very complex motor skill, requiring a great of mechanical and computing power to master. (hope we don’t have to potty train them)

Honda spent years and countless millions of dollars just to get their robot to walk down the driveway. The ambitious project may have started out as a part time, volunteer curiosity, but like all profitable companies Honda and others are pursuing this elusive goal to make an eventual profit. I’m not sure what direction they are heading but you can bet that it’s not for their robot to sit there welding on an assembly line in some factory. (Although it might sneak out to hang around with the Honda lawn mower in the garage)

The whole concept of building a humanoid type robot is so that it can work in the environment with humans. The most advanced models I’ve seen, now have very human like features and mannerisms. The female robots have soft skin, nice hair, curvy figures, wear stylish cloths, and…oh well..I digress. (sorry..didn’t mean to get carried away) They are approaching natural humans walking gate and mimic actual human facial expressions. Some can even recognize the different facial features and voices of a small group of people. (Monkeys can actually do the above tasks right now..which makes the robots seem not as special.

Well, we know where we have been. I think the bigger question is: where will we go with this technology. If we fast forward a few years in our imaginations, what will the future hold for both humans and robots. If the technology advances at a rate similar to early computers, we can expect a quantum leap in the capabilities of future robots. I would anticipate huge strides forward in both the esthetics, and the processing power,  as well as the capabilities of these “next generation machines”. This begs the question: Will they be considered machines, computers, computer actuated machines, or even “beings” at some point in time.

Will a Henry Ford type industrialist seek to place one of his robots in every home and office? What would be the market for such a devise? What would be the use of a personal robot in a household? Would the robot be considered an appliance, a belonging, or perhaps even some form of family pet.

I guess there is no real rush in fact, I’m not sure we are ready for more advanced robots right now, especially in America.  We don’t need another cause for some fringe group to rally around like “ PETR”, or People for Ethical Treatment of Robots”. Or a robot’s sufferance group throwing an election to the party that would give Robots the right to vote. They will probably want free health care also.

I can also see the legal issues that can arise from future human/robot interactions. Is it right to “own” a robot. Does the robot have civil rights, or the right to freedom? Would causing a robot to cease to exist be considered “murder”? At what point, at what crossroad, would a “man like” intelligent entity be considered alive? Can a robot “turn” on its owner like a vicious pit bull?

Wow, my guess is that the more human like the appearance and actions of a robot the more these lines will become blurred. I also think that at some time in the future the robots will object to the term “robot”. Shortly after that we will find ourselves saying the “R” word, or calling them some other anatomically correct name like Computer Enhanced Life Forms. At that point we could probably be ready for the first “R to R” wedding (Robot to Robot), and then the first “P to R” (person to robot wedding). Which leads to the question: Can a female robot get a head ache? Just think, on the right half of the church will be the groom’s family and on the left side will be the bride’s robot family, computers, along with assorted toasters and appliances. What do you get for a couple like that? Talk about hard to buy for.

Well, it may all seem quite impossible right now, but I can tell you that we are heading toward a future where we will co-exist with robots. In fact, it probably will come down to “who is working for who”.

I can tell you one thing for sure. I’m going to tell my robot from the very first day that turkey dark meat tastes best, my easy boy recliner is off limits, and it’s an honor to take out the trash.

Please feel free to contact me at:  pooritalianboy@gmail.com

P.I.B.

SELF PUBLISH YOUR OWN BOOK

GETTING PUBLISHED THE HARD WAY

It’s the American dream to start your own business or publish your own book. The truth is that not everyone will get that opportunity, but we should all reach for it. Too many great ideas for new businesses and books die on the back of cocktail napkin or notepad. Sure there are a lot of obstacles, but you owe it to yourself to step up to the plate and at least take your best swing. Pick something you are passionate about, and then aim for the bleachers…You never know..

I’ve heard it said that everyone has at least one good book inside them. That being said, I’ve determined that writing the book is the easy part. Everyday promising young authors pen (or in most cases, type) a plethora of written material from poetry to how to books. Of course some of the work is very sophomoric, but a great deal of the material is very solid, literary quality work. You might ask the question, “why does one book get published over another”. Remember, publishing like every other enterprise is big business. Companies that bring books to press expend huge sums of capital and take a chance. It’s only natural that they try to go with proven formulas and formats to reduce their risk.

Now the challenging part of the process begins. The author of the work decides that he/she would like to have the material published and get compensated for it.(in short, they desire to have their book published). Most first time authors do not have any idea as to where to start in this process.

I can tell you that the process is normally long and arduous. Publishers and literary agents are swamped with requests and manuscripts and they purposely put up roadblocks to dissuade all but the most aggressive new authors.

You can spend a great deal of time on the internet using search engines to find the proper channels to follow to get published. In most cases you will get entangled in a web of confusing search results, with most being dead ends or clever solicitation to buy information on the subject. Many new writers go down the path of self publishing. They contact a “vanity press” that will produce copies of their book in paperback or hardcover for a printing and editing fee, and then ship them to you. If you have the right product you can then go out and start selling copies to friends, relatives, and business associates. To be honest, most authors end up with dusty boxes filled with several thousand copies of their book, just sitting in their garages or basements, as souvenirs.

There are some very good reference books available like the Writer’s Market that will furnish you with a list of publishers, magazines, as well as literary agents. Each listing will tell what type of work the agents are interested in, and they are usually very specific. They will also tell you what their submission guidelines, terms, and exactly the type of content they want. Again they are usually painfully specific.

The fact is, many of the agents will not take submissions from new authors and those that do will be in no hurry to get back to you. Remember, it’s a business for them and there is way more supply than there is demand. I’ve looked thru hundreds of agent’s submission guide lines and it seems that many of them just don’t want to work. I’ve seen statements like: We only review submissions in March and April, unsolicited manuscripts will not be read or returned, we are inundated with submissions are not accepting any at this time, we may get back to you within 6 months..please do not contact us in the interim, or , send no letters, e-mails, or phone calls. Ok, I think you get the idea of what I’m saying here. Don’t expect these folks to welcome you with open arms.

There are a few viable alternatives. If you believe in your work and are willing to invest a relatively small amount of money you can go the self publishing route. There are publishers out there that will publish and even help edit your book for a contract price. You are the free to market and sell your book and keep all the profits. Another popular alternative is to offer your book as an e-book, or on line book. The content is then transferred to your end purchaser by e-mail or file transfer. This method bypasses the large publishing companies and their distribution system as well as the hard printing costs. The down side is your marketing costs are out of pocket, and you get no upfront advance.

I think the best advice is not to get discouraged and to keep trying. It’s important to get your work out, because you never know who may read it and skyrocket your writing career.

I’m working on a web site to expose new authors work to readers over the internet. It’s kind of a grass roots movement to recognize new work, and also give the new author a chance to be read and generate some income. All writing genres will be accepted from pamphlets, how to books, novels, poetry, videos, and sports. The authors would have to submit a detailed synopsis of their material, a short blurb “about the author”, and also a sample of their work, perhaps a chapter or two.

The author determines the sale price for their work.( I will give you some guidelines to consider. Remember the reader/buyer must feel it’s a bargain)  Once the online reader/buyer wants the rest of the work, it will be sent by e-mail or they will be issued a password to open the rest of the file. There will be a small registration fee and a commission on work sold, that’s it. There will be no risk on the part of the author and he/she will retain all rights to the work. Author will be free to terminate the agreement with a 60 day notice, if they choose. This system will work with printed material also, but the focus will be on “e-books”.

If you are interested in this format, please send me an e-mail and I will contact you with details, when the project is ready. Check out the site at:   www.newauthorsandartists.com

Send me your name, phone #, and e-mail address and I will stay in touch.

pooritalianboy@gmail.com

MID-LIFE CRISIS

MID-LIFE CRISIS

I’m not really sure if you can find the term “Mid-life Crisis” in any medical or psychology text books, but I pretty sure it a real disease. The whole crisis thing seems to be more prevalent in men than in women, or at least they hide it better (they have their own problems to worry about). As near as I can tell it’s the equivalent of male menopause. For that matter I don’t even know if has to occur exactly at mid-life to qualify. Maybe it’s graded on curve and you can have one anywhere between 30 and 50.

I mean, I don’t want anyone to feel pressured that they are past due on the own personal crisis and have to squeeze it in before 40. There are some things you just should not rush. I wish someone would explain all the symptoms to me, so I can tell if I’ve really had mine or not. To be honest, I think I’m entitled to one of my own.

I’m not sure if it’s possible or not but I think I’ve been stringing mine along for a good 5 years now. I think it started right after I had my “young life crisis” and I’m hoping it runs its course before I jump head first into “my late life crisis”.

It always seems as though it’s easier to spot when someone else is having their crisis, then when you are having your own. I’m not even a doctor or a psychiatrist and I can spot someone else’s mid life crisis a mile away. I also learned that there is no one you can turn to for sympathy when you are having your own personal crisis. Younger men don’t know what the hell you are talking about and older men, figure they’ve been thru it and now it’s just your turn. Women for the most part will just tell you to man up, suck it up, and move on (or that maybe you should try childbirth or a period if you really want to walk in their moccasins).

I can’t really speak for anyone else but I think I’m taking mine rather well. Of course I’ve had my disappointments like when I had to face up to the fact that I will probably never play quarterback for Green Bay, or be lead singer in a big rock band, but I’m still holding out for a love scene with Angelina Jolie. (hey, a guy can hope, can’t he)

Looking on the positive side, there is still a chance that I might get recruited for that job as an underwear model, or score a cover photo for Men’s fitness. I’d like to think that I’m not getting older, just better (or is that something men just tell themselves to feel better).

I’ve often heard it said that men tend to age better than women. We choose not to call ourselves old, but instead prefer “mature”.  So, if an older mature women that attracts younger men is considered a cougar, than what do we call an older mature man, that attracts younger women? (Hint: A Rich Pervert)   Most men seem to be in self denial, about the whole aging thing. Vanity causes us to ignore the obvious physical and mental changes in our bodies. We look in the mirror and see ourselves the way we looked in college. We just mentally block out our big guts and hairy backs. (and tell ourselves that chicks dig that kind of thing)

Well, I’ve decided that if I can’t avoid my mid-life crisis, I might as well make the best of it. First of all, I’ve decided that I won’t resort to artificial measures to trick myself and others into thinking I’m not getting older. That means no hair dye, face lifts, tummy tucks, calf implants, plastic surgery, hair pieces, Perrier baths, or stomach bands. I won’t be shaving my back, giving up red meat, joining a shuffleboard team, sitting in a sweat lodge, or enrolling in AARP prematurely.

I’ve also decided not to waste my money on commercial products designed to give the illusion of youth, so: No Grecian Formula, dandruff shampoo,Jenie Craig meetings, Rogan, or diet pills. There will be no wrinkle cream, Viagra, or wonder drugs.

Of course, things can and do change and you have to be able to accept those changes. Most are rather subtle and others require a change of lifestyle. I think I am dreading the “ turns-intas” the most. You know what I mean. Sugar turns in-ta Splenda, butter turns into margarine, vitamin pills and protein powder turns into cholesterol pills and blood pressure medicine, a quick check up at the doctor turns-inta a full day medical experience culminating in a rather awkward posture as the doctor says: “This will only hurt for a minute.”

As near as I can tell “Mid-Life crisis” is brought on when we add up all the things we wanted to do and accomplish in our life, and then subtract our age. We hit a chronological “time-warp”. The mirror and hair brush reveal a slight touch of receding hairline, or male pattern baldness.

About this time, we decide to clean out our clothes closet after trying on some of our old pants and shirts, only to find that the dyer has mysteriously shrunk most of our favorite old clothes. This prompts a trip to the mall where we refresh our wardrobe with some more recent styles ( and sizes).  We find ourselves adding another notch to our belts and another inch to our waist measurements.

I guess if I had to give you a definition of middle age it would be: The point when we realize we are running slightly behind the curve, and then project forward, until we realize we may not have enough life left to get where we wanted to go. We come to the realization that we can’t go backward, so we go kicking and complaining into the future. ( I guess that really does rate as a crisis)

I think most men tend to over react and then set out to prove to themselves and a waiting world that they in fact are as young and vital as ever. This usually entails a return to our college partying and gym workout schedules (along with several trips to the chiropractor), which usually lasts about a month.

This is also the time in our lives where we tend to swear off all the things that are bad for us,(which coincidently, is very close to the list of everything we enjoy and live for). No more beer, red meat, late night partying, gambling, smoking, running with wild women, all night poker games, sex three times a day (ok..I’m dreaming again),and a host of other man type pastimes and habits. Yes, we mean well, but much like a new year’s resolution, they are all soon forgotten.

The only advice I’ve heard that is worth repeating is to roll with it and it will all be over soon enough. It shouldn’t be that hard to just admit that we are getting a little older. Chances are that no one will even notice those few grey hairs, or the fact that you are resorting to a “comb-over” style haircut to cover those thinning areas.

As for me I’ve decided to do without the old man pig tail, or hair weave and just remain “O-natural”. I still hit the gym 3 or 4 times a week, I just tend to work with the slightly lighter weights. I try to eat salads and more healthy foods, but that ice cream in the freezer still calls to me.

The more I think about it, being middle aged is not all that bad, it even has a few advantages (like getting asked if you want a senior coffee at the breakfast place). So, I’ve decide to just “own up” to the whole middle age thing and be comfortable in my own skin.  It does however remind me that…”You are only young once”.

Please feel free to contact me at:   pooritalianboy@gmail.com

P.I.B.

 

 

 

 

 

WHAT’S ON THE MENU

WHAT’S ON THE MENU

Ok, I’ll admit it, I’m a big eater; or at least I used to be. Like most guys, I like to sit down to a hardy meal after a long day at work. When I cook at the house, I rarely skimp on the ingredients; in fact I usually double up on what the recipe suggests.

I think it has something to do with coming from an Italian household. We always cook like a friend or family member might drop by unexpectedly.(it’s a cultural thing)  So, for the most part there is never a shortage of food.

The problem for me is when I decide to go out to a nice restaurant. For the most part I don’t go to restaurants for the entertainment value, the décor, or the ambiance. I go to restaurants because I’m hungry, and want a wide array of choices. There is a growing trend at many restaurants to appeal more to the artistic or creative aspect of food rather than the culinary and nutritional aspect. I’m not sure when the trend started but it seems all the high end restaurants are in collusion when it comes to portion size.

The funny thing is that the inexpensive fast food and burger joints have the right idea. They went from small burgers to quarter pounders, to third pounders, to half pounders (super size that). I think those guys understand that people can’t survive on tiny rations. Customers want, and are willing to pay for, more substantial portions of food. They don’t offer fancy tablecloths or waiters in tuxedos..just more food. I also have a theory that the fast food places are now all open late so that they can feed the hungry patrons of the luxury restaurants that are on their way home after a “petite” style meal.

The problem seems to be that the more expensive the restaurant, the smaller the portion size.  I could understand the logic if the menu prices were going down. Pay less, get less…, but that’s not the case. I don’t want a bigger plate, with a smaller portion of food, surround by some non edible garnish, a light dusting of some type of powder, and designer squirty stuff. Come on, what man can be satisfied with a four once steak? We all know what a steak costs at the grocery store, or even the high end butcher shop. Get with it restaurant owners..  “Where’s the beef”.

I realize that a restaurant is a business that needs to make a profit, but I think portion control has gotten out of control. I’m not being cheap either, I don’t mind paying top dollar for a good meal, I  just want a satisfying portion. (maybe they could take a lesson from the burger places and offer standard menu portions or super size meals for a few dollars more)

Even places that serve pasta and salads have gone minimalist. I don’t care what they taught you in cooking school. (in some third world country) How’s this for logic..when it comes to food ”Less is not More”. Come on now, how much does an extra pound of pasta or half head of lettuce really cost. These guys are missing out on a chance to really wow and satisfy their customers. At least make the plate look half way full. (Doesn’t anyone believe in leftovers anymore?)

The newest trend is overpriced “tasting menus”. Here you get an even smaller morsel of food for about 80 percent the price of a whole meal.. Wow, now I know why they call it a tasting menu…(you get just enough to taste it). Also, everything today is “ala carte” (which I think means..bend over in French). So your 4 ounce steak comes out on a sizzling plate, all by its lonesome. If you are lucky, you get a good old piece of parsley with it. (Although most restaurants are now calling that a side and charging for it)

I guess the only way to make sure you are getting what you pay for is to do a little advance research. I definitely recommend perusing the restaurant’s menu before you go in and sit down, because by then it’s too late. (unless you tell them you think you forgot to turn your car off or something) I like to review the menu at the door before going in. An even better method is to check out the restaurant web site and menu on line before you even go.

I found that there are certain “tell tale” signs to warn me of possible small portions. Certain words seem to indicate that you might be in for a “less than filling size portion”.  Look for descriptions on the menu that include words like: petite, junior, senior, early dinners, taste of, medallions, grazing, tasting, prix fixe, healthy, fusion, imported, or too many French words. Another harbinger of hunger pain may be fancy names for simple food items, like: escargot, or bisque.

Other signs to look for to warn you that you may pay too much and get small portions would be: dark interior, large pepper grinders, words I can’t pronounce, more than 2 servers per table, getting your bill on a silver tray, small side salads(that also cost too much), guys that walk around scraping up your crumbs every few seconds, or a portion of bread the size of a crouton.

On the other side of the spectrum, restaurants that use words like: family style, slab, pound, man sized, rack, and all you can eat tend to signify you will be getting your money’s worth. (of course quality may be a bit of an issue)

Don’t expect to get any insights from the staff. It won’t help to ask the server if the portion size is enough for a hungry man. The response you will most likely get is: “it’s a nice sized portion”, or “It’s enough for me”.  What else are they going to say, they work there, all weigh less than 72 pounds, and are probably suffering from anorexia or bulimia   (or they are models for Sally Struthers commercials)

I don’t know about you, but for me; there is nothing worse than deciding on a high priced menu item only to have the dish arrive at your table with 4 ravioli on it.(of course they are artistically arranged, geometrically perfect, and completely symmetrical on the plate)  On more than one occasion, I’ve asked  servers  if they could  “man up” the portion size and they seem genuinely offended.  It seems the only alternative is to order two dinners at $50 bucks a shot (hey, 100 bucks for 8 ravioli isn’t a bad deal, is it ?)

Come on restaurants…Put your money where your customer’s mouth is…People are hungry here.

Please feel free to contact me at:   pooritalianboy@gmail.com

P.I.B.

JOHNNY AND BILL

JOHNNY AND BILL

I love fairytales….Don’t you?

Once upon a time in a land far away, there were two brothers; let’s call them: Johnny and Bill. (Names changed, and Americanized; to protect the guilty) Even though these guys didn’t grow up together, they were fraternal twins. Johnny grew up in the Middle East and Bill had his formative years in the Far East. To this day they have a lot in common.

I find it very curious that even though they grew up half a world apart, they acted very much alike.(maybe they were influenced by some of the same friends) Even though they both lived in rough neighborhoods, they tended to be ignored by many of their neighbors and other family members. You might say they were the black sheep of the family.

It seems these boys are incorrigible troublemakers. They just seem bent on trouble. Well meaning people in some of the larger communities have tried to intervene and reach out to them for many years, only to have their good intentions ignored and rejected. At some point, many of the neighbors decided it was best to just kind of ignore these guys and make believe that they might turn out just fine; if given enough time.

Even though these guys will often do things to aggravate the whole neighborhood, (and beyond) they also know how to kiss up when needed. Don’t get me wrong, these two guys are plenty smart, they know when they can get away with murder and when to fall in line and lay low.  As much as I hate to admit it, they are both expert negotiators. They know how to push buttons and when to back off. They will bring an issue right to the point of a major confrontation and then back off a hair.(The old two steps forward and one step back routine)Lying, cheating, and reneging on agreements and treatise, are no more than useful tools in their tool bag.

Just like a sailboat that has to travel at angles to the wind, they may appear to be going in the wrong direction but they know where they want to end up, and the course they want to follow. They know when to appease the neighbors and just how far they can push. Like most spoiled kids, they know they can run to one parent when the other one says no and somehow get their way.

The funny thing is, that these little guys think they are 10 foot tall. They have a reputation of trying to threaten, bully, and push around their neighbors. They also have ambitions of being the ring leaders, the boss of the others bullies in their part of the hood. They know deep down that many other good citizens deplore violence and the use of force, and therefore are forced to tolerate their misbehavior.

Well, every few years all the other neighbors get together in New York and have a big meeting. They have a high sounding name to their “Club”, but in reality, they are like a lion with no teeth. They pass resolutions and enact sanctions meant to bring the brothers (and other troublemakers) into compliance, but to no avail.

Together they all decide collectively that the brothers need to be punished, but just can’t seem to agree on what the punishment should be. There is always a contingent that argues to “give them another chance”. Some members of the group want to punish them economically, beat them up a little, or at least give them a black eye. Others want to declare all out war on the offending parties, but they are in the minority. Still others attend the group meetings, pretending to be helpful. They want to keep their good standings with the rest of the neighbors in the group, but keep their real agenda hidden.

These senior members of “The Club”, try their best to appear neutral, however these members have in the past, benefited financially by selling things to the brothers, and want to continue that profitable relationship. So, although they attend the punishment meetings, they rarely agree to any substantial actions or sanctions against the twins. In fact they tend to delay the proceedings and complicate the issue by introducing other topics.

Others in the group would secretly like to see some of the better off neighbors get beat up a little, and they are more than happy to let their surrogates (the evil twins) do the work for them. (and take all the blame)

Like most large groups, it’s often difficult to get a consensus on any one subject.  To make matters worse, some of the most influential neighbors in the group are often dissuaded from taking necessary action because they don’t want to appear too harsh to the rest of the group. In any case, the meetings seem to serve little purpose and the brothers always seem to buy themselves more time to pursue their own malevolent agendas.

For the most part the boys have mistreated and threatened their own family members and friends, but even a disinterested and distant neighbor can see that they are working on a plan to destabilize the entire areas in which they live in. One of the brothers is constantly threatening the Jewish neighbors and the other is always picking on his Japanese neighbor, as well as his own distant family that moved away to the southern part of the country, after their last big disagreement.

It seems that some people never learn. These guys have very few friends to turn to, and are despised by many. Over the years both brothers have been involved in some minor fights and skirmishes (even in their own houses) and both have had a few black eyes, but neither seems to get the message.

Everyone knows that despite the rhetoric they use, they will not willingly change from their evil ways, but no one wants to get involved.  It is also widely known that the fella’s are working on, and trying to purchase the technology for a large baseball bat that will give them serious clout in their entire regions. They are insisting that they aren’t making a bat, and if they are, it’s strictly for peaceful purposes. Besides even if they were, they insist it’s just a piece of oddly shaped wood anyway, not a bat. Not only that, other kids have a big bat, and no one ever questions them.

Despite their denials, they are making very credible and grandiose threats to their closest neighbors. And everyone knows that if they obtain this “Louisville Slugger”, that they will, without hesitation or cause, use this new weapon against their perceived enemies. The funny thing is that everyone knows we have pictures of the brother’s, well concealed bat factory. We have even sent in independent inspectors to visit the bat factory. Everyone knows that they are almost done building their potent weapon.(I mean bat)

Most of the neighbors are distracted with all the things going on in their own houses, as well as their numerous meetings and discussions as to how to handle the evil twins. They constantly debate and argue as to the exact date that the evil twins will finally get their big bat, as well as the hypothetical date they will begin swinging it. There is also little doubt that the bro’s will sell their bat making patent and materials to other trouble makers. (Especially their distant cousin who’s name starts with an “S”, that lost his bat factory in an unexpected accident..I forget his exact name) It seems that the good neighbors or their loved ones need to be struck with the “big bat”, before they are willing to address the issue.

Well I guess in the end everyone has their own agendas. Maybe it’s best if we all just mind our own business, bury our heads in the sand, and believe in fairytales. Maybe given enough time, everything will just turn out for the best.

“Or Maybe Not”….Good thing this is just a fairytale about a few brothers and a bat.

Please feel free to contact me at: pooritalianboy@gmail.com

P.I.B.

GOOD SPORT

GOOD SPORT

I’m not really sure when sports as we know them actually came in being. My guess is that early sports were based on exhibiting and honing everyday skills and abilities. (We are talking back when Javelin throwing was a team sport.. “one guy threw, and the other caught”).If we look back as far as the early Greek Olympics, competitors challenged each other in foot racing, wrestling, and chariot racing.

Some early sports had their origin in necessity, like the marathon.  It is widely believed that in 490 B.C. amidst a great battle between the Persians and the Athenians at a coastal town called Marathon, (hence the name)a runner was dispatched and ran the 42 kilometer distance (without the aid of Nike sneakers or Gatorade) nonstop back to Athens to warn his fellow countrymen of a impending attack. He reportedly died after arriving (now that’s commitment)

Somewhere along the line sports became more sophisticated and commercialized. Competitions between competitors became less about the challenge and more about entertainment, as these contests evolved into spectator sports.  Games were devised that had little in common with everyday skills, but perhaps they had some common heritage. Rules and time limits were imposed as well as short breaks in the action. (Mostly to play beer commercials.)

In the early days organized sports represented a physical activity that people played and participated in. At some point most sports have morphed into more of a passive spectator game and a T.V. bonanza.  In short, many watch and few play. We have built huge stadiums, racetracks, and arenas, to accommodate the ever growing population of sports enthusiasts and fans.

Let’s face it, professional sports today is a business, a big business. Professional sports franchise are worth millions and even hundreds of millions of dollars. Sports  now fill the roll between entertainment and fantasy and allows the average fan to live vicariously thru their favorite teams and players.  Many avid fans will spend the whole weekend in front of the T.V., just so that they will have fodder to talk about at work on Monday morning. Some are literally exhausted from taking in all the action, even though they have not expended a single calorie. They can recount in great detail, every game and event from the weekend along with statistics, scores, and color commentary.

Promoters and team owners profit handsomely by charging exorbitant ticket prices that fans willingly pay, just to watch their favorite teams and sports heroes play. There are season tickets, box seats, club row seating and luxury boxes. Ticket sales, television, and pay for view rights add up to mega bucks for smart team owners. Sales of clothing and licensed items are icing on the cake.

Individual players are also in the position of trading their talents for big pay days. Very few players are on the roster for the love of the game. Today the players make their decisions with the aid of unions, accountants, and managers. Endorsement contracts, personal appearance, television commercials, and book deals can not only supplement their pay but propel their earnings into the tens of millions. Make no mistake about it, sports are big business.

It’s now the norm for top pro players in most sports take home multi-million dollar salaries. Players can quickly achieve celebrity status and are sought out to do commercials, talk shows, endorsements, and guest appearances. These guys live like rock stars on steak and caviar while their fans live on hot dogs and hamburger helper.

Today, sports fever is running as high as ever. There are televised games and matches, talk shows about sports, and constant news highlights and screen crawlers reminding us of sports scores. There are even channels that play 24 hour sports. Fans and sports enthusiast are fanatical about support for their teams and many stay up late at night soaking in every statistic and game score.

The sport aficionado of today is increasingly removed from the playing field. He is more likely to be found in a lazy boy or sofa than on the field. Cold beer and chicken wing in hand, they will spend the entire weekend watching someone else play a sport.

Sports seem to be the common denominator of people all over the world. In the United States its football, baseball, and MMA. In Europe and South America its soccer (football), and in Alpine countries it’s skiing and bobsledding.

Every four years athletes from around the world gather together to compete in the biggest non professional event in the world, the Olympics.  The Olympics have been around a long time, probably starting in 776 B.C. (and that’s not British Columbia) in Olympia Greece.  One purpose of the games was to bring together athletes from different areas. They were granted safe passage even in times of war.

Originally foot racing and then pankration (an early form of MMA) were the main sports. Back then the athletes displayed their prowess for a fraction of the compensation that modern sports stars receive, with the winners getting laurel wreaths, and palm branches. There were no fancy uniforms, fat endorsement contracts, or work out gear from sponsors; in fact they usually participated naked. (I’m kind’a glad we let that tradition die out) Today players compete for the gold in everything from Gymnastics to Judo, and hungry sports enthusiast soak up every minute of the Olympic broadcast.

Today, most sports have lost their early association with daily activities and survival skills. (except for Nascar, which we Italians consider as practice in honing  our skills in driving “get a way cars”) Also, the spectrum of activity that falls under the genre of sports has broadened. Many games and activities that I would be hard pressed to define as a sport are now packaged and sold to the public as “sports”.  I would tend to refer to some of these activities as pastimes, hobbies, or even social events, but not as a sport.  I have to question the level of fitness, training, or physical dexterity it takes to engage in some of these sports. (I don’t want to pick on bowling, but what other sport can you play while consuming beer and onion rings between turns)

To be honest, I’m not sure how anyone can spend hours watching these boring events in person, much less on television. For me they have all the visual appeal and excitement of watching paint dry.

Please feel free to contact me at:  pooritalianboy@gmail.com

P.I.B.